I’ll tell you something I’ve never told anyone before. I was fired. It was a few years ago and a colleague had heard my boss say: “that’s not the girl I hired, the girl I hired was thin.”

This was partially true, I was hired before a back injury and I was fit and agile. After my injury I gained a lot of weight, I’m not apologising for it or feel less deserving of a job. But there was a sudden shadow of shame that had come to follow me around after that. It almost felt like I needed to explain why I was that weight, as I have just done above. It’s no wonder more people are taking weight loss injections than before. Losing weight can feel like mission slimpossible, it’s a cruel voice I think was sewn into women so that we’d obsess over our appearance. I’ve seen countless transformations online that are crediting it to a calorie deficit and walking, GLP-1 medications, and some are even hiding it. Studies show that one in ten women are currently taking weight loss medication. I’ve spoken to a few women who want to share their journey with weight loss injections. 

Gemma is a 25 year-old who is secretly taking a popular weight loss medication known as ‘Mounjaro’, she has struggled with a food addiction for most of her life and she describes weight loss medication as ‘life changing’.

“My boyfriend has no idea. I hide it inside of a container at the back of my fridge. I remember holding it, feeling like what I was doing was wrong. My hands were shaking and I was scared, scared I’d die and that no one would know why. But when I woke up, I looked at the chocolate in my cupboard and felt nothing.” Gemma describes it as though a voice in her head was ‘silenced’ and shortly after the weight loss followed. 

“ My boyfriend was so proud of me for losing the weight, I couldn’t tell him, he was starting to find me more attractive again which I know sounds shallow. It was working and still is, If I tell him I don’t think he’d support it and I know I need to do this for me.”

For one thing, I think the only thing Gemma needs to lose is her boyfriend – and it’s not just him that she feels isn’t supportive. Gemma feels society wants her to suffer for being overweight and is part of the reason she is keeping her jabbing a secret.

“Isn’t it interesting that people who have weight loss surgery are celebrated, but those that have injections are scalded. I feel like people want fat people to suffer for results, and that we aren’t allowed things easier. I keep it hidden because I don’t need more hatred, I was awful to myself for years.”

Nurse Prescriber Sian is 32,and posts about her weight loss journey online and offers a raw perspective from both sides of the syringe.

“I’ve always struggled with my weight from a young age. I was in my first slimming group at 10 years old. I’d lose weight and put it back on. There was a moment at Disney World where I was struggling to walk, I was 31 and thought I can’t even walk around Disney without a scooter. I had no confidence, I was eating myself into an early grave.”

Sian posts on TikTok about her weight loss journey, with over 16,500 followers. She says many of her followers are ‘secret jabbers’ and anonymously post their journeys.

“There are a lot of people who take it in secret. I don’t know their identity, I think a lot of people do it because there’s so much negativity. People are scared of backlash and what others think. I’ve received a lot of hateful comments saying I’ve cheated and that I’m taking medication from people. They don’t realise I’ve tried everything, I’d cost the NHS so much more with obesity related costs.” 

Elizabeth, a 23 year old prescriber currently takes ozempic for ‘vanity reasons’ and she describes her busy life as part of the reason she takes it. 

“I could easily have gone to the gym and I couldn’t have been bothered. I work at a pharmacy and I also babysit four times a week. By the time I get home the last thing I’d want to do is go to the gym. I couldn’t do it.”

Elizabeth has strong views on those that lie about being on weight loss medication especially in regard to influencers, “It’s shallow and deceitful. What’s the point in lying? You’re ashamed and you want them to see themselves as a better person than they are. I don’t know anyone that personally lies about it.”

Elizabeth is passionate about being open and honest with her usage of Ozempic and says she knows she would be ‘judged’ for it.

“Unless they’re your true friends and understand why you’re doing it, no one knows my life. People see me on the street they’ve no idea What i’ve been through. It’s so easy to call you a cheat and I’m exhausted. The gym makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s full of people I don’t associate with. If anyone was to ask if I was always truthful.”

She also goes on to describe her relationship with herself and her motivations behind it all. 

“If I feel bad about myself it’s about the way that I look. I never think I’m not a nice person or not kind. Which is vain. There’s always someone you look at and wish you were them. You always want what someone else has. I needed to make the effort to not feel like that.” 

For Gemma, being transparent feels like a ‘distant dream’ that she feels will not be a reality. 

“It’s too late for me to be honest, It can be lonely because when I feel sick I can’t explain why I feel this way to someone. I’ve had sick days and I feel like an imposter. These online communities are my safe spaces. The medication is expensive and I always use the golden dose.”

The golden dose is an unlicensed dose of weight loss medication, when the four doses are used, some liquid remains in the pen. Hundreds of videos have circulated online about people using pliers to remove the dose and inject it with another needle.  

Nurse Prescriber Sian has strong views about the dose. “The fact people say it’s the same medication and they’ve paid for it. It’s not for the purpose and it’s off license. When it’s off-licence there are complications.”

Sian describes how often people use insulin needles instead, as people are often given a limited amount with each Mounjaro pen.

“The needles could easily get plastic in them and then inject it. It’s the methods in which they’re getting it out that are so dangerous. It gets rid of all the medical liability too. A lot of people are trying to save money but it’s not advised. It’s a taboo subject as they’re doing it to save money but when people say it’s a medication you could overdose on they get unhappy about it. It’s a touchy subject. I’m very strict with it. There’s a duty of care.”

However, Elizabeth takes a very startling view. “I used my golden dose. I wouldn’t tell someone to do it. If someone came into the pharmacy and asked I’d tell them to discard it. I have to tell people in my job you can’t do this even though I know what I’d do. If someone died and I recommended it I’d be responsible. If they go home and I’ve said no, that’s on them. It’s a personal choice.” 

Psychologist Elizabeth Hines says that: “When society pushes the narrative that thinness must be earned through struggle, people who take a different path feel like they’ve failed. The sad fact is that food addiction often gets judged more harshly than other addictions. People tend to have more sympathy for someone who struggles with alcohol or opioids, than someone who compulsively eats. That’s because food addiction often shows up in the body. In weight, in appearance. Society is vicious when it comes to bodies that don’t fit the mold. People assume it’s laziness or lack of willpower. When in reality it’s pain, trauma and a nervous system that tries to find relief.”

Life doesn’t end when you gain weight, even when it feels like it. Overtime, we’ve given ourselves values like food, judging ourselves by weight. Perhaps the only thing we need to lose isn’t the pounds, it’s the damn judgement.