The Grand Canal, June 14th — In a feat of endurance that has captured the nation’s imagination—and stained their clothes for life—a four-person rowing crew, aptly named “The Sticky Wickets,” has successfully completed a marathon row across a specially prepared 1,000-meter stretch of the Grand Canal, which was filled with several metric tonnes of industrial-grade black treacle.
The team, comprised of veterans Captain Bartholomew “Barty” Spoon, Penny “The Paddle” Lane, Marcus “Molasses” Jones, and newcomer Bethany “Sticky” Sinclair, finished the agonizing course in a grueling 2 hours, 47 minutes, and 33 seconds, setting what is—for now—a completely uncontested World Record for the “Slowest Human-Powered Watercraft Crossing of a Treacle-Filled Body of Water.”
“It was like trying to row through a thousand miles of pure, cold inertia,” said Captain Spoon, whose arms were visibly trembling as he was pulled, along with his custom-built carbon fiber skiff, from the heavy syrup. “The forward momentum… it just died with every stroke. You could feel the boat’s soul being sucked out by the sheer viscosity.”
The unique challenge was conceived to raise awareness for the oft-overlooked difficulty of making progress against overwhelming, almost comical resistance—a metaphorical nod to bureaucracy and slow political change.
The Gain: A New Appreciation for Fluids
The immediate gain for the team is a new appreciation for the simple movement of water. Penny Lane was heard shouting, “I’d give my last oar for a glass of tap water right now!” A secondary gain is the £75,000 raised for their charity, “Progress, Not Puddles,” which funds initiatives to streamline public services.
Marcus Jones provided a technical insight: “The moment the oar blade entered the treacle, it created a vacuum. We had to use a completely new, shorter stroke just to prevent the oars from being ripped from our hands. We spent more time fighting the fluid than fighting the distance.”
The event culminated in an emotional reunion with friends and family, all of whom kept a respectable ten-foot distance to avoid getting caught in the sticky spray. As for the boat itself, it has been declared a total loss.
“We’ll need an army of industrial cleaners just to get the hull out,” admitted an organizer. “But The Sticky Wickets have proven that no matter how slow the progress, you can row through treacle.”