In the age of the internet, parents are bombarded with conflicting advice: social media often portrays unrealistic or idealised versions of parenting, while well-meaning caregivers can find themselves criticised for any choice they make.
With vast discourse and widening opinions, it’s no surprise parents struggle to pinpoint what the ‘correct’ option is.
Reagan Grainger, mother and early years professional, started her son off in a cot for the first nine months of his life, eventually transitioning him to a double mattress on the floor, which she framed with a modified playpen to ensure his safety.
She explains that parents often panic because they don’t know what move to take next. The decision of whether it’s time to transition from a cot to a bed in their own room can be daunting, but as a professional, she was able to make that choice.
“For us, the floor bed was going to be the best option. Just for us, he was a colicky baby so he screamed, and screamed, and screamed some more!” she explained.
“It was the easiest option to be able to get in the bed with him and stay if you needed to, if it was a bad night, or leave if you felt he was able to stay on his own.”
One of the major benefits Reagan finds when co-sleeping with her now 18-month-old is being able to soothe her son immediately, especially when he’s going through something he needs comforting through. “It’s convenient and easy to be right next to him.”
“I sleep better because I’m not coming in and out of the bedroom. It can be super frustrating. Postpartum anger is a big thing that people don’t talk about, when your hormones are so up and down that the slightest change in your routine, the slightest ‘oh the baby’s up’ can genuinely make you want to smash plates.”
Professor Helen Ball, director of the Infancy and Sleep Centre and professor of anthropology at Durham University, agrees that co-sleeping helps parents cope with nighttime disruptions. However, she sheds light on how a parent’s anxiety can be the reason for co-sleeping just as much as the child’s.
“Some parents that we have interviewed have explained that they sleep with their baby because they have anxiety about their safety and want to keep them close.” Professor Ball said. “It’s so if they stop breathing, they can intervene, for instance – or someone can bring them into bed at specific times, such as whether they’ve got a fever or a cold, and monitor them closely.”
On the other hand, parents might rely on their child for companionship, such as when relationships come to an end, and they want the comfort they had when someone slept next to them.
“There are times when parents can be overly anxious, and they’re not necessarily sleeping with their child because it’s benefiting them,” Ball explained.
Young children, such as infants, require more care and attention. The NHS and Lullaby Trust educate that the safest sleeping arrangement for a baby is in their own cot. Ball says one of the most negative co-sleeping situations is sleeping with a younger infant on the sofa, as ‘it’s easy to suffocate a baby’ by accident.
According to the Lullaby Trust, it also makes the risk of sudden infant death syndrome, the sudden, unexpected death of a baby, fifty times more likely. “Parents have to be aware of not sleeping with their baby if they’ve been drinking or under the influence of something.”
The reasons for co-sleeping can vary from ‘very intentional, positive’ choices to ‘sort of reactive’ choices, where it’s their only option.
“Some people in the UK that we’ve come across co-sleep with their baby because they didn’t have anywhere else to put them. They either couldn’t afford a crib or they were in such cramped living conditions that there wasn’t space to put another piece of furniture in the bedroom with them.”
Massively different circumstances are the reason Samantha Lineham, a mother of three, spent more time co-sleeping with her son than with her daughters. “With my elder girls, there were two parents, but with my youngest son, it was just me. It was easier just to have him by me to soothe him.”
“Maybe it was a comfort for me, too. All my children were completely different. There were always different stages that I knew it was time.”
“It came down to not being a single parent with my girls. I had the opportunity for someone else to go in and soothe my child with them, but not with my younger son.”
Patricia Everitt, a sleep practitioner from Cerebra, a charity that supports children with brain conditions, says that co-sleeping may hinder social development in certain situations.
“Some children who rely on their caregivers for emotional support haven’t got it for moments such as sleepovers, which means that they struggle to attend these things.”
They may want to, but feel they’re unable to because of that anxiety. That might be more of an issue with some of the autistic children we work with because it’s such a change for them as well.”
While many might believe that co-sleeping into later childhood might make your kid too attached, Ball explains otherwise, debunking it as a cultural myth in Western countries. “It seems that if you let children leave the parents’ bed when they’re ready, then all of them will have left the parents’ bed by the time they’re eight or nine,” she said.
While discussing her plans to stay the night at her sister’s house for her wedding, Reagan admitted that it could harm her travel and flexibility. “It becomes doubly difficult for him because not only is he out of his normal environment, but he’s also not offered the same level of comfort and support that he’s got at home,” she explained.
“I know parents who have tried co-sleeping with their child and hated it, and it’s okay for them to say, ‘You know what, it doesn’t work for us,’” she said. “Parents are vilified regardless of what they do, so you just have to be comfortable in the choice that you’ve made for your child and that it’s best for them and you.”
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