It is often said that sleeping next to someone, whether it be a partner, a child or even a sibling, can be comforting and help with relaxation for a healthier night’s sleep. But there’s a fine line between sleeping next to someone and a family practically sleeping on top of each other.
For 22-year-old Tanya, the sudden divorce of her parents meant more than just family dynamics – it destroyed her sense of home and eventually her sleep.
“My Dad kept the house. It was in his name, and he had a much more stable income. My Mum had to try and figure things out very fast. I was 14 at the time, and it was my two younger brothers and I. We didn’t know what exactly had caused the issue with my parents, but I did know that my Dad was in the wrong.”
Although being left in the dark with everything, Tanya could see where the family turmoil stemmed from; she could see the pain relishing throughout her mother.
“I can’t tell you what he did, but I was old enough to recognise that he had hurt my Mum and done her wrong. In the end, they got shared custody of my brothers and me. My two brothers were 9 and 7 at the time and wanted to go with my Mum. I think that is understandable. There’s something about a mother’s essence, especially at a young age.”
The legal arrangements split time between both parents, but the emotional pull leaned heavily towards their mother.
“I wanted to go with my Mum too. It wasn’t necessarily just because I knew it was my Dad’s fault but I wanted to help her. My Dad had the house and a steady job with a stable income. It was my Mum, although she had my brothers and me, who was left in a mess.”
There was a sense of pressure, as Tanya felt she had to step up, not just for her brothers but also for her mum.
“We moved in with my Aunt whilst my Mum had applied for council housing. There was a waiting list, though, so we didn’t have a choice but to live with them until we got a response. We practically had nothing. My Mum didn’t work whilst she was with my Dad. He barely helped her out, which annoyed me. I still felt sorry for him in that situation too.”
Tanya felt stuck in the middle of the situation. She wanted to pitch in and give her input but she also knew it wasn’t her place.
“It wasn’t really my business to say anything about the financial side of things. My mum had us from Sunday to Thursday night, and then we would stay with my Dad on Friday and Saturday night, and spend most of Sunday with him too.”
Despite having a structure in place, the reality of the situation was far from ideal.
“My Aunt’s apartment had two bedrooms and one bathroom. There were three of them, my Aunt, my Uncle and my cousin, who was only four at the time. It was a tight squeeze. My cousin moved into my Aunt’s room, and then my two brothers had to share my cousin’s bed. Luckily, she had a three-quarter bed which was able to fit two.”
In life, change is always hard to digest, and in this situation, it was especially tough for everyone to process. It all took place in such quick succession.
“I slept on the floor in that room, and my Mum took the sofa in the living room. That first night hit hard. It was the first time I properly felt it. Not only physically, but also emotionally. Just the whole situation was mad.”
Things tend to hit hardest at night when there’s no distraction. Tanya and her family had to adapt to what was an extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant situation.
“The four months with my Aunt felt like an eternity if I am being honest. At night, I would be lying on this thin mattress with one pillow that was so flat it felt like my head was just directly on the floor. Also, there was barely any room to stretch my legs out, so I had to curl up into a foetal position next to my brothers, who were fast asleep in the bed.”
Even sleep didn’t offer much of an escape. The lack of physical comfort was just a small part of it all. Many distractions came with it.
“I’d go to bed around 11 but get woken up in the night constantly. There were so many things going on in such a small space. My uncle was snoring in the other room, and one of my brothers would climb over me to go to the toilet, which woke me up a lot. They’d have a bad dream or something and wake me up because I was the one next to them. It was just difficult.”
With options limited, Tanya’s mum was forced to find work and a routine. Any means of stability for her family was necessary at this point.
“During all this, my Mum was constantly applying for work. She managed to get a job working the till at Tesco’s. That became her life from that point really. Get up, go to work, come home and go to sleep. It was a tough time for her, but she would get through it, I knew she would.”
It was the little things, such as being woken up by her little cousin, that engraved themselves into Tanya’s daily routine.
“My brothers went to the same school as my cousin, so my Aunt would drop them off every morning. My Uncle and my Mum were at work, so I would take the underground. I didn’t mind it, but it would mean I’d have to wake up at around half past 6 every morning. My cousin
would come in at around 6 in the morning anyway to play. It was rough. I guess that was a good thing because it forced me to wake up”, Tanya laughed.
Eventually, they were offered council housing after Tanya’s family had applied several months before.
“We got a two-bedroom flat with one bathroom in the end. It wasn’t great at all but it was nice to have our own space again.
Although it still wasn’t perfect in any way, shape, or form, they finally felt as though they had a place to call their own.
“We made it feel like home. My brothers shared one room, and we managed to fit a bunk bed and a small desk in. My mum and I shared a double bed in the other room. It wasn’t ideal, but that’s just how it was.”
As the years pushed on, Tanya’s need for independence grew more and more, building up her desire to have her own space again, away from the flurry of her family.
“I didn’t mind sharing a room with my Mum, but when I started to get older at around 16, I did wish I had my own space. I loved my Mum and I knew the situation and all, but I craved a bit of privacy.”
Despite this want for privacy, there wasn’t much room to even entertain the idea.
“There were nights when I wanted to sleep on my own so I could call a friend, even a boy, but I couldn’t do that. Sometimes I just got restless and wanted to spread out, but again I couldn’t.”
The desire for space and freedom stayed with Tanya for many years, but when she finally got her wish, it wasn’t at all how she imagined it.
“When I eventually went off to uni, I did find it hard. I was so accustomed to sharing a bed that the idea of sleeping alone felt strange. I had my room and bathroom, which was what I wanted so badly, but the funny thing is, as soon as I had that, I just missed sleeping next to my Mum again.”
What once felt like confinement was now a source of comfort. After years of sleeping next to her mum and craving freedom, any long-term distance between them felt less like freedom but more like loss.
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