*I’ve been with my partner for seven years now and since we moved in together 3 years ago, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep. I love them so much but they keep me awake every night snoring and pulling the covers off me. I hate waking up resentful of them for keeping me up, but I’m at my wits end and I am worried it is going to affect our relationship permanently if something doesn’t change – Am I an asshole for not wanting to share a bed with my partner?* – Anonymous
A simple answer for this is no. But of course like most issues in relationships, they have to be approached with thoughtfulness and understanding.
Dr. Chris James says that it is common for people with significant sleep problems such as insomnia to sleep separately from their partner, due to not wanting to disturb their partner through their restlessness (e.g. due to snoring, or a different bedtime or wake time).
However, being able to name the problem doesn’t mean it makes it any easier broaching the topic with your partner. Dr. James says:
“Approach gently, but directly! I think it’s important to be mindful that it may come across as rejecting, it could make your partner feel like there’s some issue with them, and they may worry it’s a reflection of how you feel about them. I think it’s about being really open and clearly explaining the reasons why you think it would work better for you, acknowledging and validating how this may make your partner feel”.
He says it’s important to ask them what their concerns would be and how the idea makes them feel, so you can figure out together how to overcome any barriers or concerns they raise.
According to the National Bed Federation, in 2020 one in six couples were sleeping separately and more than half (56%) said the decision to take separate beds had improved their sleep ‘a lot’.
So maybe it’s more common than you think? Even so, the expectation to share a bed as a couple is pretty overwhelming and it’s easy to feel guilty if you don’t fit into one of society’s unspoken rules. Dr. James says that though it’s likely to create an uncomfortable feeling as it’s going against ‘the norm’, that doesn’t mean it’s a ‘bad’ or unreasonable thing to want. He said : “It’s worth being curious about why you want this and what you hope it will give you”.
Sleeping in separate beds can sometimes have health benefits too! Dr James says: “If your partner’s sleeping habits are causing you to often have a lack of sleep, longer term this is likely to have a negative impact on your health, as you run the risk of chronically getting insufficient sleep”. Consistent sleep strengthens the immune system allowing you to recover from illness quicker and give you the energy to look after your body.
“If your reasons are more about having the type of bedroom, bed, or sleep routine that works better for you, this is likely to make you feel more in control of your sleep, may result in better quality sleep, and overall boost your general wellbeing”.
The amount of quality sleep we get majorly impacts our mental wellbeing, and often when it is your partner who is preventing you from resting it can lead you to wake up feeling resentful towards your loved one. Beginning your day feeling bitter can mean you precede into a day with less connection and intimacy compared to a day when you wake up refreshed from a peaceful night’s sleep.
Many couples who are opposed to separate beds argue that not sharing a bed would prevent them from being intimate; however, this is not always the truth. Dr. James explains: “Some couples who sleep separately start the bedtime process by being together in the same bed and being intimate together, and when it’s time for sleep they then go into their separate beds”. For some couples, it can enhance the excitement of spending close time together and can lead to a higher libido as they can dedicate specific time to being intimate.
So there is no straightforward solution to shifting to a separate bed arrangement. However, when rest is essential to maintaining stable emotions, happiness and wellbeing for individuals in and out of a relationship, sometimes you need to prioritise your sleep so you can prioritise your partner.
